the ulitmate guide.

Friday, December 10, 2004
1:53:00 PM

.: nostalgia :.

I like to randomly surf sites & update myself about the darlings all around me, knowing that their lives are fine, perfectly great & all, but this form of assurance doesn't really fill up the emptiness in me. Still, I have my new social circles & made great new friends in the year, but still, I really miss my old friends... & I certainly do miss my life in the past... those strings are way too loose & I forsee a day where I'll probably be disowned. & perhaps by then, I'll probably feel nothing, nothing due to numbness. Last night was a horrible night & pretty much think they didn't really bother? It was due to my vanity that prevented me from taking that one single leap, alright, maybe it was more than one leap, you need to climb then you can leap, whatever, but I dont know if the vanity was a good shave or a bad shave. Hopefully, this sinful characteristic was meant to be a good one, I am hoping, if not, there'll probably just be many other alternatives. :|

I am loving my life as it is now, doing what I like to do, & organising activites & events for the rest of the school population to enjoy, seeing their smiles, their enthusiasm & all... seeing the one Council from a totally dispersed & scattered community coming together to fight for our beliefs, seeing it becoming better & better each day, having the surging sense of acheivement swell deep within, hanging out with friends, walking & exploring Singapore & the virtual realms of our crazy minds, sulking away at the thought of fading drool-ers, dreaming up our fantasies & going on & on about our teenage obsessions, trying out stuffs that I'll never thought I'd ever try, taking the lead with that uncertain esteem...& the list goes on & on... but still, I guess somehow I've lost something that is even more valuable than all these teenage fantasies, & I think I am simply losing grip on that, nothing I can do, no solutions I could ever come up with. Dragonboat... LTC & the various Adhocs that Council has been true taught me matters. Sure did I go through stages of despair, angst & disappointment & of course euphoria within, too. It gave me the ultimate strength, the surest perserverance & willpower to do what I deemed fit believed in, all this I am really grateful for, but I must still say... I am a weakling deep within. There are still matters that I wished I could do, but I have yet to find the strength to do so. I am really losing grip on matters that would actually be a simple occurence to others, in fact, everyone else, & trust me, I am clueless about that, no one can ever help me with that... & I myself have no idea what to do.

& yes, I certainly miss my past, missing hell lots of people. People I haven seen in decades, in years. I guess perhaps there were times in life I've never knew how to truly treasure people? Maybe it had seemed that way, & perhaps because of that I've lost some precious friendships & the other party would have thought that I never seemed to care about her. Aye, the younger years of being fifteen... spastic things I did... & paths I took & all... maybe I never did put in effort, maybe I did... but that was one of the worst things I regret...

Aye, whatever is, I am in a crazy mood today, & I am going to try shutting out from the rest of the world. No shopping for me with Amagoh & Leepee, just plain out Alyssa cleaning out the closet, tidying up affairs of the heart (if I could, ever, finish up that mess) & yes, embark on a mission to write down my reflections for the year 2004, soon.

And yes, blog hopping is making me miss people like crazy, & yet there is only so much we can all do. Just go out & hang out together in town or some sort? Any chance of any sort to being back to past, the past routine? Sighs... and if one day, when I've plucked up the courage to somehow land back in the same spot, & take that one single leap, I wonder if anyone would bother or even be missing me like how I am in the surge of missing everyone now. :|

<3 me if youu dare-`